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- Fuckin' A. - Whassup, my nigga?

Well, gentlemen, here you are.

Men of different backgrounds and differing talents.

Men with, in fact, but two things in common:

One, you all saw fit to answer my advertisement in the Memphis Scimitar,

and two, you're all going to be, in consequence,

very, very, incredibly... rich.

Let us revel in our adventure, gentlemen.

Let us make beautiful music together,

and, by all means, let us keep this to ourselves.

What we say in this root cellar, let it stay in this root cellar.

There's no "l" in "team".

Trouble in and trouble out

Trouble in. Trouble out

Without a doubt you going under running out of bubbles

It ain't nothing for you to get squashed like a pumpkin

I try so hard and play my cards afraid to fall. I ain't involved

I gotta call I'm much appalled

Bring on the casket ain't too glad

It's OK. Don't stop on account of me.

No. No, no, no, no. Not at all, madam.

Not at all. We were about to take a break anyway.

The glissandi on this particular piece are technically very, very demanding,

and I'm sure we would all welcome a moment of R and R.

Well, I just thought maybe you'd like to see...

What have you gotten into, honey? Why you sweatin' like that?

Uh... Uh...

Uh, eh, 'cause, 'cause... That boy right there?

He plays one bitch barrel full of a sackbut!

- Ain't that right, Lump? - Uh-huh.

I'm tellin' you, he can tear it up. Right, Lump?

Ain't nobody play the sackbut like Lump right there. He...

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't be shy, Lump. Don't be shy. Lump, that boy, he go...

at it like it was some pussy!

- Oh, shit! - Mind your mouth!

This is a Christian house, boy. No hippity-hop language in here.

- Sometime it's the only way. - Now listen, you ain't gonna hit me...

I'm tryin' to help you, boy, better yourself!

And so you should, madam. So you should.

Gawain is so far transported

by his love of the music of the early Renaissance...

Don't make me no never-mind, he transported!

- I understand. - You been smokin'?

Oh, certainly not, ma'am. I understand your indignation, ma'am.

And I was offering an explanation, not an excuse.

- I myself am... - Hey, hey, hey...

...don't be explainin' me, dawg!

You can't read my motherin' mind, man!

You might got yo' Ph.D., but I got my GED!

- Yes. - Nigga!

A fiery lad... but then youth is fiery.

A fact often remarked upon by the poets of the Romantic era.

My youth, I was in church. I wasn't walkin' around fiery.

Youth ain't no excuse for nothin'.

Anyhow, I just came to show you the fife. Othar's fife. Burned his own.

I thought maybe, you bein' a man of music, you'd be interested.

Oh, indeed I am.

Cut it hisself and burned his holes.

The Israelites called it a khalil.

Yeah, you can read all about it in the Bible. Ain't nothin' new under the sun.

Indeed not.

Gone these 20 years.

He was some kind of man.

Blowed the khalil.

I don't suppose Othar ever turned his hand

or, or turned his lip to blowing the shofar?

The ceremonial ram's horn sounded by the priests of the Hebrews.

No, I don't know nothin' about that. Othar never blowed no shofar!

- Of course not. - Not to the extent of my knowledge.

The khalil was good enough for my Othar.

He was some kind of man.

Some kind of man.

Oh, goddamn! Come on, girl, let me get one little peek.

Don't be cruel. Come on, just one butt cheek.

Pull that ass out and make it clap.

Aw, just 'cause I'm dressed like a janitor, don't mean you gotta do me dirty.

This muthaa's hit the jackpot. Come on, girl.

Come over here and blow on these dice.

You know, I'm a seven on the roll now, but I'm a 10 the hard way,

and I ain't just talkin' crap.

Mr. Gudge, she had a ass that could pull a bus.

I mean, Gudge, it was more than an ass, it was literature.

Yeah, I don't care how big her ass was, MacSam. You're fired.

You say what?

There is no fraternizing with customers on the Bandit Queen.

- Clean out your locker. - But, Mr. Gudge, I wasn't fraterniz...

I said get outta here. You're fired.

You can't fire me! I'll sue your ass!

Sue me? For what?

For in' punitive damages, man!

- Punitive damages. - Yeah.

Punitive damages. You goddamn skippy!

- Punitive damages. - I see why you firin' me, Mr. Gudge.

Yeah, it's simple and plain. You firin' me 'cause I'm black.

MacSam, everybody on the custodial staff is black.

Your replacement is gonna be black.

His replacement, no doubt, will be black!

Well, the in' judge is goin' be black, muthaa.

- Oh. - And you?

- You gon' stand tall before the man. - Oh.

And your replacement's gonna be black,

- muthaa! - Thank you.

Oh, my.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my.

This is a severe setback.

I am distraught. I'm more than distraught.

I am devastated.

I-I'm beside myself. I'm at a positive loss for words.

- You still talkin' OK, though. - Have you all decided?

Madam, we must have waffles. We must all have waffles forthwith.

We must all think. We must all have waffles

and think, each and every one of us, to the very best of his ability.

Perhaps if you apologized to the man and gave him flowers.

Or perhaps a fruit basket

with a card depicting a misty seascape and inscribed with a sentiment.

I ain't apologizin' to that muthaa. He fired me 'cause I'm black!

He can't do that. You could sue him. Open and shut case.

- Fuckin' A. - Surely a chocolate assortment

has been known to melt the heart of even the hardest misanthrope.

That man ain't rollin' over for no ing candy bar.

Uh, we've had a bit of a setback on the tunneling front, too.

- We've run into a pretty large rock. - Rock!

- Very bad. Very bad. - Oh, my.

Seems that the poet was right.

Troubles never singly come.

Oh, no, we can get through the rock. No worries there.

Easiest thing in the world. Why, we just blow right through it.

I got a pyro license. Just, uh, bore a hole in the rock

and pack in a little plastique. Igneous blows pretty good.

- And then we could... - Hello, Garth.

- Am I ordering the primer cord? - Yes, Mountain.

We were just talking about that, and some plastique.

- What the is this? - Oh, this is Mountain Girl.

Mountain is my right hand. She helps me out with ordnance.

- Helps me with... damn near everything. - Hey.

You brought yo' bitch to the Waffle Hut?

I must confess myself to be puzzled as well.

I thought it was understood that when it came to our little enterprise,

"mum" was the word.

Of course, I understand that, but this is Mountain Girl.

I don't keep secrets from Mountain.

That's not how you maintain a loving, caring relationship.

You brought yo' bitch to the Waffle Hut!

The man brought his bitch... to the Waffle Hut!

All right, look, you, I will thank you to stop referring to Mountain that way.

She is the other half of my life.

Everybody lookin' at me like I'm some kind of -up for losin' a sorry-ass job,

and this muthaa brings his bitch

- to the muthain' Waffle Hut! - Son-of-a-bitch punk!

- Shut your goddamn mouth! - You better raise the up, a!

- Gentlemen, please. - Back the up!

You gon' back that shit the up!

- Gentlemen, please. - What?! What?!

Please, gentlemen, this behavior does you no credit in the eyes of your colleagues,

nor in those of the other patrons of this Waffle Hut.

Little punk.

Oh, look at this. I got blueberry syrup on my safari jacket!

Gentlemen, I propose that we consider the matter of this woman,

- Mountain Water... - Mountain Girl.

I'm so very sorry. I propose that we consider this matter closed.

And we shall choose to trust her since we have no choice,

and since she shall share only in Mr. Pancake 's portion of the booty.

Of course. Wouldn't have it any other way.

- Yeah, you damn right you won't. - Up yours, punk.

- Oh, you and the Swiss Miss. - The matter of disposing

- of our igneous impediment is also... - C-Coach... Coach...

- C-C-Coach, I... ...closed. Settled.

That leaves us only with the question of Gawain retrieving his job.

- Coach, I... - Yes, Lump?

Couldn't we just bribe the guy?

You are a readin' fool, aren't you, Mr. Dorr?

Yes, I must confess.

I often find myself more at home in these ancient volumes

than I do in the hustle-bustle of the modern world.

To me, paradoxically, the literature of the so-called "dead tongues"

holds more currency than this morning's newspaper.

In these books, in these volumes,

there is the accumulated wisdom of mankind, which succors me

when the day is hard and the night lonely and long.

Mm. The wisdom of mankind, huh?

- What about the wisdom of the Lord? - Oh...

Yes, yes. The Good Book, mm. I have found reward in its pages.

But, to me, there are other good books as well.

Heavy volumes of antiquity freighted with the insights of man's glorious age.

And then, of course, I just love, love, love the works of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe.

Oh, I know who he was. Kinda spooky.

No, madam, no, no.

Not of this world, it's true.

He... he lived in a dream. An ancient dream.

"Helen,

Thy beauty is to me

Like those Nicean barks of yore,

That gently, o'er a perfumed sea,

The weary, wayworn wanderer bore

To his own native shore."

Who was Helen?

- Some kinda whore of Babylon? - One doesn't know who Helen was...

but I picture her as being very, very...

extremely...

pale.

Mrs. Munson, I have been trying

to figure out some way of expressin' my gratitude to you

for takin' in this weary, wayworn wanderer.

It's just a little old present. Why, it's hardly anything at all.

Oh, why, Mr. Dorr! You are a gallant man.

Oh, madam, I blush, I melt. No...

I just happened to hear of this gospel concert tomorrow night,

"The Mighty, Mighty Clouds of Joy",

and I thought you and a friend from church perhaps would...?

- Yes, I have a widow lady friend. - The concert is up in Memphis,

so I have arranged a car service to transport you thither.

Ah?

Why, Sheriff Wyner! How you doin'?

Good evenin', Mrs. Munson.

I just stopped by here to let you know I did have a talk with Weemack,

and he told me he's gonna comply with your request

in keepin' that music down and neighborly.

So you just go and have yourself a pleasant evenin'.

Wait a minute. I got somebody that I want you to meet.

Uh, ma'am, you know what? I'm... I'm a little pressed for time.

You got a gang of bank robbers youse chasin'?

Come on in here and say hello.

Yeah, we was in here, havin' tea and...

Huh!

Bussed his own dishes. You can always tell a gentleman.

- Somebody was in here, ma'am? - Yeah, with me and Othar.

Well, you know what? Maybe I'll catch him the next time.

Oh, come on up to his room with me and say hello.

I got a family. My wife got dinner on the table.

I really have to be goin'.

- Oh, my. He is neat! - Yes, ma'am, he very neat.

He probably went down to the cellar to play with his friends.

Ma'am, I really got to be goin' now.

- What...? - Ma'am, I really need to be gettin' back.

Mrs. Munson, don't... You don't have to...

Mrs. Munson?

Why, Professor!

What in the world are you doin' havin' tea down there?

Uh... Mrs. Munson?

Oh, Lord Jesus.

- Mrs. Munson? - Land of Goshen, child!

- Come on out from under there! - Mrs. Munson, my pager just went off.

I got to go. Mm-hm. I'll meet you and your friend later.

That was refreshing.

Y'all have a good evenin' now!

As you know, we academics are inordinately fond of wedgin' ourselves

- into confined spaces. - Mm!

At Yale, the students will see how many of their number they can enclose

in a telephone booth. At Harvard, a broom closet.

Oh! Hope I didn't spill my tea.

Well, what the hell is this?

I guess it's just my way of sayin', um...

Oh, well, goddamn it, Mr. Gudge. Look here, I...

I don't know what it's like walkin' in your shoes.

You know, with you bein' a tight-ass and all.

And I'm pretty sure you don't know what it's like walkin' in my shoes.

See, Mr. Gudge, there's the custodian, right?

And then there's the man inside the custodian.

And that's the motherer we got a problem with.

See, 'cause that man, he got needs, Mr. Gudge,

and normally those needs gotta do with women with big asses.

I guess my point bein' is I realize I'm a bunkie junkie.

But if you woulda seen the kettle drums on this girl, Mr. Gudge, whew!

Well... we all human.

This apology buys you a one-week probationary period.

Thank you, Mr. Gudge.

Stay away from the customers, MacSam.

This drill bit's getting awfully hot.

Gawain, maybe you could fill a Hudson sprayer and spritz it down while I drill.

Fuck you. I ain't your motherin' house nigger. I'm the inside man.

All right, look, are you gonna have a bug up your ass

for the rest of the time we work together?

- I'll get the sprayer. - Oh, no, no. No.

Me and this gentleman here have to get square.

Let me tell you somethin', MacSam.

I'm gonna tell you about how I came down to Mississippi.

I wasn't born here, you know. I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

What the ?

Scranton. Pennsylvania. Came down here in 1964. Greyhound bus.

With the Freedom Riders.

Do you know who the Freedom Riders were, MacSam?

No, and I don't give a .

Just tell me when the they gonna leave. Damn!

The Freedom Riders, my fine young man,

were a group of concerned liberals from up north,

all working together, just like we are here.

Involved citizens who came down here

so that local black folk could have their civil liberties.

So that people like you could have the vote.

- You know what, man? - What, brother?

- I don't vote. So you. - You little in' ingrate.

- And the bus you rode in on, jackass! - Let's step outside, MacSam!

Fuck the outside! Come on! What?!

My friend Mrs. Funthes is here, so I'm about to go out.

Just thought I'd leave y'all with some cinnamon cookies.

Why, that is lovely.

Ooh, y'all sound good!

- Give us a recital. - Why, how kind of you!

Our music, however, is, uh... well, how shall I put this?

Uh, a bit Roman in its outlook.

Uh, many of our pieces were commissioned by the Holy See.

Oh, I see, all right,

but we don't make no big whoop-dee-do about denomination.

Everybody welcome at our church. Yeah, we had a Methodist come in.

Episcopalian. Back in the '60s, we had a Jew come in!

If you will excuse me one moment, madam, I shall, uh, I shall see you out.

If you gentlemen can labor harmoniously in the course of my absence,

perhaps upon my return we shall be prepared to explode