rned on the air-conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.The old man got very excited and invitedthem back to the office, where he offeredthem $3 million for the patent.The brothersrefused, saying they wouldsettle for $2 million, butthey wanted the recognition by having a label, The Goldberg Air-Conditioner, on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.Now old man Ford was more than just a little annoyed, "Ford" was the only family name going on his cars! So there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about twohours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -"Lo, Norm, Hi, andMax" on the controls. While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven says the senator.'' "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. . Today you voted." --Divorced Barbie-- One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window? The salesperson answers, Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for 19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed father asks: It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95? The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends. what men would do if they had a vagina for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I wake up late, and by the time I get to my office, my boss is outraged & fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it's stolen. The police said they can't do anything. I get a cab to return home, and as I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in my stolen car. The cab driver is really pissed off" "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I leave and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life... you show up and drink my poison." "Cannibal Food" Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."  The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"  The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!""I know! I know! Ba-doom-boom-Tish!"--Mac-- I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West "You always miss 100% of the shots you don't take." --Michael Jordan-- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance it is the illusion of knowledge.-- Stephen Hawking That old law about An eye for an eye Leaves everybody blind. The time is always right, to do the right thing.Martin Luthern-- King, Jr.-- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that waySo I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. --Mac-- Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunitionback in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.  PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.  Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop doin it then!"PLUS 1. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 2. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 3. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 4. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 5. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 6. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! GOD IS SITTING IN HEAVEN, WHEN A SCIENTIST SAYS TO HIM, LORD, WE DONT NEED YOU ANYMORE. SCIENCE HAS FINALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY TO CREATE LIFE OUT OF NOTHING. IN OTHER WORDS, WE CAN NOW DO WHAT YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING!OH, IS THAT SO? TELL ME REPLIES GOD.WELL, SAYS THE SCIENTIST, WE CAN TAKE DIRT AND FORM IT INTO THE LIKENESS OF YOU, AND BREATHE LIFE INTO IT, THUS CREATING MAN.WELL, THATS INTERESTING. SHOW ME.SO THE SCIENTIST BENDS DOWN TO THE EARTH, AND STARTS TO MOLD THE SOIL.OH, NO, NO ,NO INTERRUPTS GODGET YOUR OWN DIRT. Subject: 6th grade The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she